At times my infertility journey overwhelms me. These overwhelming feelings always arise unexpectedly and serve as a painful reminder that I’m not quite there just yet. I’m still in purgatory waiting for my fate to be determined. It’s these dark moments of my infertility journey that people don’t see. The palpable frustration and disappointment that lead to tears and unanswered questions. Only to discover I’m still in the same place that I was before. I’m left in the waiting. Not exactly in the clear but not without hope. It’s progress, yes, but it’s a slow, dreadful kind of progress.
For today’s poetry Saturday I’m sharing a raw poem that was created in one of those moments of overwhelm. I was triggered during a journaling session and found that I was able to release all my upset over my infertility journey in that session. And, I wanted to share it with you because maybe you can relate. Or, maybe you have similar dark moments where you can drop your facade and just be real. Where you can let go and give voice to the true feelings you have about your infertility journey. Here’s mine:
If I Were
If I were anywhere else I’d be in an alternate universe where endometriosis doesn’t exist.
A world where I still have two ovaries and I’m eagerly trying to conceive
I read all the blogs and articles.
My husband and I stay up dreaming each night of all the possibilities.
As visions of ovulation predictor kits, basal body temperature spikes, and egg white cervical mucus dance in my head.
And through some divine miracle when I’m not expecting it I’m pregnant
The tears, the joy, and the excitement when we tell our family and friends.
The gift of new life.
When 2 become 3.
But in this universe, it’s just me with a battered ovary and loose hope hanging onto a maybe.
Perhaps there’s still some fertility magic out there for me.
While this disease plots plans and waits to ravage and destroy what’s left of my body.
As my body sacrifices all to this terrorist
And it takes and takes and takes till there’s nothing left to give.
This disease is like a bull in a china shop smashing my heart into pieces while all I can do is watch it shatter and treat it into a million pieces across the floor.
As I cry and try to mend the shattered bits together.
If I were anywhere else I’d be in an alternate universe where endometriosis doesn’t exist and I’m whole.
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About the Author
Hi, my name is Kathleen but you can call me Kat. I’m a health and wellness professional turned freelance writer and content creator. You can find me on YouTube and Instagram. If you take the opportunity to visit me on my other platforms don’t hesitate to leave a message, I would love to hear from you!
